Eight days in the new year and I’m already feeling hmmm… contemplative. But the good kind 0f contemplative, the sort of quiet muni-muni one experiences during long night trips, when the lights are off, scenes are like flickering lights and a thousand and one thoughts are running in your mind. I don’t want to go emo about it but I feel this year, well, it’s about me tying up loose ends and hopefully, learning to choose ‘wisely.’
Reading my past entry about 2010, I think 2011 was very relaxed, even indulgent. I’m thankful that I got to start and finish what I planned to do (compre exams), travel (B-2011 and some in betweens), changed jobs, and experience some surprises (and madness) in the mix. Of course, there were still those gloomy days when I felt I’m helplessly lost and I’d back slide to bouts of unexplainable sadness and defeat. But then again, with the help,love and faith of family and friends, I’d bounce back. 2011 was a break, and if I may say so, a much deserved respite.
I’d like to think that in 2011, I let my hair down and became more (should I say this?) fun. And really, I’m not going to be a prude and say that I didn’t enjoy the parties, the dates, trips, meet-ups, hangouts, dancing (especially the dancing), food and drinks (too much of the latter, but again, still short compared with 2010), gigs… all those exhilarating, uninhabited moments which left me and some friends asking: “Why didn’t we do these when we were in college?”
However, at the back of my mind, there are still nagging issues that I feel I haven’t yet (fully) confronted or (actually) accepted. It’s not that I don’t want to resolve these; it’s just that last year, I felt I’ve been, and to paraphrase a Taoist saying, being everything by doing nothing. It’s not like I was passive or bumming around; it’s more of I opted for a “let’s see how things will work out” perspective. And this mindset is really something different for me since I’m the type of person who makes lists and schedules and worries about the small details (in short, praning).
And I guess, this is where 2012 comes in.
Now, I’m not about to turn into a Miss Tapia and completely dismiss the light side of 2011. It’s just that I sense this time, I’m more steady, more assured of where my spot is under the sun (and I’m not saying this to boast or come off as someone arrogant). With all the shit that happened and the learnings that came with it, I now know (and with relief that I say this) that it’s time to move on. Even if I’m not completely equipped in closing some chapters, even if I still fumble in coming up with solutions, even if I gained weight, even if I had to let go of some people in my life in order to let others in, even if I appear to be gauche and awkward in certain situations, even if I still don’t have enough money in my savings account, even if, even if, even if. Good riddance na!
Regrets are like guilt: both can be relentless and be impediments to one’s growth. I’ve just about analyzed and deconstructed to bits my old issues, but to borrow the words of the Bard: “What’s done is done.” Harping on the past and thinking up of l’escalier are exhausting and pointless. I’m just punishing myself if I continue doing this. What I can do is focus my energies in the Now and be hopeful that there will be better and exciting possible stories to live out and new scenarios to experience. And I must say, I look forward to assaying different issues.
I read somewhere the phrase “She decided to start the life she imagined” and that’s what I fervently wish to achieve this year (hence the ‘choosing wisely’ bit). I hope to discern the difference about compromising versus settling; knowing when to speak up and when to listen; being patient but acknowledging when enough is enough; saying “no” even if I desperately, stupidly want to say “yes”; and saying “yes” even if my usual reaction is a scared “no.” Neil Gaiman talked about amazing mistakes and Doing Something (read it here) and I think he summed up my 2012 mantra.
Of course, positivity is best shared in big portions that’s why I wish the same thing for my loved ones, that they’ll find the courage, inspiration, and means to live out the dreams they have for themselves as well as peace of mind.
So, without further ado (hey, this turned out to be an emo post– hehe): Happy New Year!